My
(not-so)
old friend
died today.
Or maybe yesterday.
Who’s to say?
(if it even matters)
Certainly not me,
who opted out
of state
(and its mind),
transformed,
transposed
into a distant familiar
who mistook absence
for autonomy,
and called the silence
“growth”
(cancerous in nature)
the kinda Death,
who (kindly) killed
the Facebook account
that was intent,
on killing me.
Truth is,
I never thought
I’d outlive him.
I was the sad one,
hovering near nauseating exits,
while he burned nights away
bright-eyed,
purpose-drunk,
The son of a gunman,
Blue-eyed and bold,
Staring down,
any creature’s reaper.
He’s the lack,
my blind mind’s eye
tries,
phantastically to picture
When I whisper,
Wherefore art thou,
Without,
the will to live.
I slipped more,
than a couple,
(shoulda-been)
more-than,
coulda-been,
“friends”
out of sight
(and out of mind).
But he was more,
Mathematically,
Than just,
one
( and any )
of my past’s ghosts.
He became a stranger,
( someone I used to know )
A fate stranger still
than I imagined,
My future,
would ever allow.
Back when we,
were immortal kids:
Just the sons of vets
(nightmares inherited,
never to forget).
He always had
my scrawny back,
We swore we’d never forget.
Maybe he didn’t,
But
With the boulder lie,
My Sisyphean grip slips:
told myself,
“I can’t be the me
I need to be
surrounded by
these plain folk.”
Convinced hopes of yesterday,
To the sands of time:
“Stay buried”
Even though
he carried me,
without question
(and my brother’s name)
through pastures
of broken bones,
Cemented a permanent place,
safe in my parents’ home.
I
(tend to)
forget to tend
my shepherds,
But apparently,
(especially)
those who,
led me through
an unkind adolescence,
where (t)He(y) taught
my condescending ass
how much sweeter life is
when you can learn,
True independence,
By kindling a kindness
that is
anti-kin-dependent.
My heart’s forecast is stuck,
frozen—
calling for more
of the same
(shit I can’t handle).
Storms on the horizon,
But no rain,
Will ever wash you away.
My collarbone aches,
When humid humors rise,
Condensing memories,
Flooding from,
My vainly searching eyes
I’ve been missing you,
brother.
But I should’ve had
twice as much
of you to miss.
( that’s on me )
For that, I’ll always be sorry,
But for everything else,
I’ll be forever thankful.
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